I’ve thought a lot lately about how I’m the most fortunate person on earth. I even feel more fortunate than Angelina Jolie because I can leave my house and go out to dinner without getting harassed. I don’t constantly get asked for money or interviews or to save all the children of the world.

As my friend Aaron and I talked about one day after I had been sea kayaking with the whales in Washington, he said, “Do you realize we are among the most fortunate beings to have ever existed?” “Even more so than most kings and queens throughout history because we have the ability to fly over oceans, to see all the landscapes of the world and meet people they never could’ve met.” We have access to more knowledge than ever, the most sophisticated health care that’s ever existed and comforts and freedoms that most societies couldn’t even dream of.

I am a white, attractive enough, educated, middle class female living in the US in 2015. I have my health. I have a beautiful, safe place to live. I have every material comfort I could need. Other than a new dress or pair of shoes every now and then, there is nothing material that I need or even want that I don’t have.

In this country, I have the freedom to educate myself, to date who I want to date, to do or be anything I can dream of and to express myself as I choose. I often felt discriminated against and judged when I was fat, and at times, I’ve felt objectified as a woman. But other than that, I’ve never known what it’s like to experience racism or even gender discrimination. I’m the least likely person to ever be targeted by police, and I think in the work that I’m in, being a woman actually works in my favor.

Most of my beautiful family is still on this earth, and they love and support me in ways that don’t even seem real. When I hear crazy family stories, it’s something that I can’t wrap my head around. My family has no agenda for my life, other than wanting me to be happy. I don’t get lectured or pressured about religion or having babies or getting married or making more money. I can be totally myself with my family, tell them anything without any fear of being judged or criticized. We have fun together, we support each other in our pain and together we try to heal from our past and understand more about each other and this crazy life. My family and our relationship is probably the most amazing gift I could ever be given.

I have meaningful work that pays me well. I’m self-employed, so I have a lot of control over my own schedule. I have enough structure to keep me busy, but I also have plenty of free time to do other things that I love. I don’t get an insane number of e-mails or phone calls everyday. I’m able to leverage my time and assets, so that I can create income for myself even when I’m not actually working. I’m not super wealthy, but I have plenty of money to keep me out of debt, to invest in retirement and to do all the things that I want to do. For the first time in my life, I can say I have more than enough financially.

When I started this blog over three years ago, my mission was to create a peaceful life for myself. And for the most part, it has actually worked. My life is pretty balanced, and I don’t live in a constant state of anxiety anymore. A few years ago, I realized that feeling anxious was my default state, and even though I still get anxious, it’s not my baseline anymore. Granted all or any of this could be taken away from me overnight, but for now my life is pretty simple and peaceful.

As I write this, I’m thinking, “Why would you tell people this when there are so many people struggling and hurting because they don’t have the things that you have?”

But I wanted to write this for two reasons. One is because I want people to know that it’s possible. I want people to know that if you are drowning in debt, battling with addiction, constantly anxious or in chronic pain, that there is hope.

Fifteeen years ago, my family as I knew it was falling apart. I was caught in the throes of an eating disorder. I was severely depressed and afraid nearly all the time. I wanted desperately to have never been born and was grasping for any ounce of hope that would keep me going one tiny step at a time. During that dark time, I couldn’t have believed that anything else was possible. And I’m SO SO grateful that there were a few people who were willing to believe it for me until I could believe it myself. And now I’ve found a way to have a mostly healthy relationship with food and my body, and I’m really happy that I was born. What I believed to be impossible was possible.

I think that we forget to be grateful. We get so caught up in our misery that we forget how amazingly fortunate we are just to have running water and heat in the winter. Here in America, we forget about all the things that are going right. Like the Dalai Lama said when he was here in Birmingham, “Think about all the people that didn’t get murdered today.”

And yet there’s still so much to do. The amount of suffering and pain and violence that happens everyday is unfathomable. Paralyzed by possibility and the amount of need in this world, an infinite number of options is a blessing and a curse. I know I can do anything that’s humanly possible, so then how in the holy hell do I choose.

A second reason I wanted to write this is because I finally get that having most of your ducks in a row never takes the hard out of life.

Because of some personal struggles that I don’t want to write about publicly right now, I’ve felt kind of raw and lost lately because I’ve lost some of my tethers that kept me grounded and gave me a sense of purpose. So I’m in this scary place that I’ve been many times before of trying to find a new normal as I live with the pain of feeling like there’s a giant hole in my being. It’s hard to sleep, and I feel miserable a lot of the time. Many days I struggle with insecurities and self-doubt. Even though I have enough, I can still feel like I’m painfully not enough. I judge myself for all the things that I’m not and all the talents that I don’t have. And relationships are still hard and terribly confusing. I have hope that it won’t always be that way for me, but I’m not sure.

And I feel guilty for being so fortunate. I feel like I should dedicate my life to helping those who don’t have the fortune that I do but I’m afraid to suffer by totally immersing myself in their pain.

I have worked hard to change many of my beliefs that limited me and to make my life what I want it to be, but nothing makes things easy. It’s a terrible realization, but there is some strange freedom in truly knowing that. I no longer live with the illusion that once I achieve x, y, or z, then my life will magically be better. Nothing can change the fact that life is short and scary and mysterious for everybody, and we lose the things we love the most no matter how fortunate we are.

So I just do what I know to do, I keep going. I feel grateful for all that does work. I see the beautiful green trees through my window, the shapes of the leaves, the chipmunk playing in my backyard. I go to dance practice or the gym and get lost in the moment for just a moment. I try to have fun, forget about myself and hold on to perspective by listening to people who are struggling so much more than me. I remember to be kind, to help in the small ways I can, to treat people well. I write about me as truthfully as I can. It may not be enough but I guess it’s a start.

“Give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light.” – Mumford and Sons

“If you’re going through hell, keep going” – Winston Churchill

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” – Pema Chodron

“We don’t know what’s possible. Our ideas of what’s possible are based on the past.”- Geneen Roth

These are the some of the quotes that have been circulating through my head these days.

This year has been one of change and loss and gut wrenching decisions. And I’m trying to let myself be annihilated so I can better see the indestructible in me.

In every moment, things are dying as others are born. Death gives way to life in the most unexpected and mysterious ways. In the wise words of Semisonic, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

In September of last year, my granddad died of leukemia. I was with him for a good part of his last month on earth, and it was one of the more meaningful experiences of my life. I would swing back and forth between denial that we were actually losing him and sobbing at the thought of life without someone I’d never known life without.

As he got sicker, I watched an innocence and purity emerge from his often hardened exterior. I felt so close to him in those last weeks of his life and could see so much of who I wanted to be in him. Even after retiring a wealthy man, he lived a very simple life. He was one of the most frugal, yet generous people I’ve ever known. He was genuine, loyal and consistent and inspired me to think creatively about how to save and reuse things in fun and meaningful ways. I’ve wanted to write a post that honors him somehow, but every time I’ve tried, it’s felt so inadequate. Maybe I’m able to best honor him by trying to embody those same values in my own life.

As we sat with him by his hospice bed in the living room of my grandparents’ home, I started to feel less afraid of death. Movement was painful, but overall, it seemed to be a peaceful transition. We were all together as we watched him slowly let go of us and life, and being with him through that process, also helped me be able to let go of him. I felt sad for all the people who didn’t have the chance to say goodbye in the way that we did.

As he was dying, people would ask my grandmother if she was going to be ok, which was my greatest concern. And she would say, “Well, I figure I have two choices: to be ok or not. So I’ve decided I’m going to be ok. “

And she has been. I don’t know how someone manages to be ok after losing someone who has been by their side for over 60 years, but through this, I’ve realized that it’s possible. I know that she misses him terribly, but she still finds meaning in her life. She seems to feel peaceful and has found her own strength in learning to do things for herself that he had always taken care of during their life together. Seeing her live through this has helped me believe that it’s possible for me, too.

Around the same time, my dog, Stevie, of 11 years was also getting older and sicker. So not long after losing my grandfather, it was time to go through the same experience with my dog. It was haunting how similar of an experience it was- I watched Stevie slowly decline over the last few months of his life, and I went through all the same stages of denial and grief. And again seeing the life slowly leave him allowed me to see that it was time to let him go. But he had been the only constant being in my daily life for the past eleven years, and on the day he died, I felt like I wanted to die with him. I felt like part of me was missing.

Through both of these experiences, something changed within me. I felt stronger and more capable of facing things I had been terrified to face. As my friend Chalo wrote when Stevie died: “There will never be another Stevie, nor will there ever be another Lauren that loved Stevie. Everything is temporary and for that reason precious.” I’m trying to not let my fear of losing something trap me because ultimately I will lose everything.

But while I’m here, I want to love so hard that it destroys me, knowing that sometimes love means letting go. I want to know the limits of what I’m capable of. I want to love my life, the people in it, this world and myself with all of me. I want to be raw and vulnerable, to take risks and throw myself out there knowing that I don’t always get to control the outcome.

There have been many days in the last 9 months where I was hurting so much that I wasn’t sure I could take it. The temptation to self-destruct, to escape somehow or to find something to numb the pain has been so great. But most days I don’t let myself go there because I know it will only make things worse.

I know that I can’t be fully alive without feeling pain. I want so bad to believe that at some point I’ll have everything together enough to where I won’t ever have to hurt again. But I guess that’s a luxury we don’t get in this complicated, messy life.

So I’m trying to let myself be broken and to feel my way through the dark, knowing that an immeasurable joy and freedom can be found in not running from the brokenness. And in the midst of it all, I feel so grateful for the support and unconditional love that I feel from the people closest to me. I couldn’t do this without them.

This week we’re finishing up a major renovation of a 1940’s home in Avondale. Before I started this project, I was feeling desperate to work on a major construction project that involved creativity and benefitted the community in some way. I had taken about a year and half to rest, work less and think about what I really wanted to spend my time doing.

I felt stuck and frustrated at how difficult it had been to get a Passive House project off the ground.

So when Donna Florio approached me to work on this house, I was thrilled. I also imagined that after having spent more time relaxing and meditating, it would be easier to stay balanced while working on the project. I was wrong!!

I was able to still take some time for myself, but this project has been all consuming. All my obsessive-compulsive tendencies were hanging out right below the surface just waiting for an opportunity to shine!

My obsessive need to finish projects and to have things run smoothly is in part what makes me a good project manager, but it’s also what keeps me up at night and keeps me working ‘til 7 and on weekends without any energy or attention left for anything else.

The good thing is that I can do that for a few months at a time and take a break. I love building so, so much, but it’s a world of intense, perpetual stress. I think that unless I am able to magically uncover some coping strategies that I don’t know I have, I won’t be able to do large projects back -to -back indefinitely. But as long as I can work myself to death for a few months and then take a month or two to have fun and be a little more chill, my brain should have a chance to remember how to exist without the adrenaline of constant chaos.

I have also realized (which is probably pretty obvious to most people) that I can’t have 3 careers at the same time. I love interpreting, translating, postural therapy and building, but I can only focus on two at a time and truly do a good job. And I still have so much to learn about all of my professions, so I also need time to keep educating myself.

At the moment, as we finish this project, I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. I’m thankful for all of the amazing workers that have been a part of this. I can’t do my job without good, reliable subcontractors, and the relationship I develop with them and the quality of work they do, just blows me away. When I’m on the jobsite and we’re all working together, it almost feels like vacation because we laugh and joke and learn from each other. It’s so incredibly rewarding to see how much a whole crew of people can get done in one day!

I’m also incredibly grateful for my work at Children’s. It has provided me with stability and flexibility at the same time. I never have to worry about going hungry, but they are so adaptable to my schedule that I’m able to pursue other things that I love. That’s a rare gift in the business world. My world had become a little too one dimensional when I was at the hospital everyday, but now that I’m there part-time, I’m able to appreciate what a wonderful opportunity it is.

I’m also so, so grateful for the internal peace that I’ve found. Even on the most stressful of days when I’m in tears because of all that’s gone wrong, there’s a general undercurrent of peace in my life. Although my spirit is still restless, I love what I’m doing. The one question that remains in my mind is whether or not I’m playing it too safe. My life is so comfortable that I wonder if I should take a giant leap of faith and travel the world or head to a third world country to do more hands on work, even with all my fears about giving up the illusion of security and a retirement plan. But in the meantime, for the first time in my life, I know that I’m doing what I love and what I’m good at.

I think my work life will continue to fluctuate with some combination of oral interpreting, written translating, building, and postural therapy for the moment. And in my free time I want to dance a WHOLE, WHOLE LOT! I want to spend time exploring the outdoors. I want to spend time with my family and close friends. I want to fall asleep at night reading books that inspire me and to write every now and then when I get a chance.

It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how I’ve changed. I still see the stuck places within me, and I want to be willing to open myself more and more to being vulnerable and available for other people. But I no longer feel aggression towards myself. I don’t hate myself or my body anymore. For the most part, I trust myself and know how to listen to what I need. I don’t have a long list of shoulds or ideas about what I ought to be doing to make other people happy. And the luxury of love, freedom, safety, a comfortable bed, and the trees and the birds outside my window is so much more than enough. It’s a dream come true.

I keep hearing the Dalai Lama’s voice saying, “we all the same, you, me, we all same.” I’ve learned to love and accept my own humanity and that allows me to see the humanity within others.

I hadn’t written in a long time, and I think there are many reasons for that. But one of them is that I often wonder if I have anything worth saying. I wonder if I can say anything important that hasn’t already been said a million times. And for every idea or argument that I can come up with, I also imagine the validity of looking at things from a different vantage point than my own. So it’s hard to say anything with certainty when I know there are a hundred other angles that also express the truth.

I also have just been caught up with the idea of living, just living life without feeling like I have to explain it or make sense of it all.

So as I sat down today to finish this blog post, I realized that this blog isn’t about being right or wrong or having flawless theories on life, love, government or race, but it’s just about documenting my experience- the experience of one tiny human being on this planet.

When my grandparents moved out of the house they had lived in for 50 years, I found my great, great grandmothers diary. She had traveled to China and done some amazing things, but that wasn’t what impressed me about her. I just found myself wanting to know her. And the things she wrote about gave me insight into what her story was, who she was as a person and what mattered to her. That’s what I cared about, and I was so grateful that she had put some of that on paper so that I could know her a little and at the same time, understand a little more about where I’d come from. In every person’s unique story, there are experiences that are universal and validating to other people that read them, and there are things that many other people won’t relate to. But I still believe every story is worth telling, which is what I had to remind myself of today.

“Hello, Darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again…”

I’m headed home from a retreat where I’ve spent the last 6 days, mostly in silence, with 200 people I didn’t know. The retreat was with one of my favorite authors, Geneen Roth. Geneen writes about our relationship to what it’s like to have enough, be it enough food, money or love, and how our beliefs about being enough affect every detail of our lives and relationships. This was my 5th time to go to one of her retreats, and it’s always pretty much like being in hell. It reminds me of when I was ten years old and used to sit for hours in the blue recliner in my living room by myself and eat a whole box of wheat thins while I watched Saved By the Bell reruns. I was terrified of people and barely spoke to anyone, including my family. It was the most miserable time in my life, and something about being at these retreats with a whole bunch of strangers that I can’t talk to makes me feel like I’m right back in that blue recliner.

So you might be wondering why I even go, which I sometimes wonder myself. Why would I spend money and vacation time to go to a place where I feel miserable?

But it is always amazing how it changes me. After 6 days of no cell phone and “exploring my inner self”, I feel like a different person. I realize how much of my precious time and energy is spent scrolling through facebook or e-mail. How at the first sign of discomfort or fear or impatience, I reach for my phone or obsess about money or my weight or my relationship- anything that can distract me from the messiness of being human, from remembering that life, in all its beauty, is also full of pain and loss.

So something about getting in touch with that misery allows me to come home feeling a little more open, a little more willing to experience what I work so hard to avoid. Today I feel more heartbroken than ever, kind of raw and skinless. It’s a scary and welcome feeling. The retreats remind me that all the distractions in my life only keep me from feeling alive because there’s no avoiding the unavoidable, and any pain I feel is still there whether I try and distract myself from it or not.

So as I readjust to life back at home, I continue to work on my commitment to honor myself and the world around me. To let myself be wildly human. To let myself love what I love and to trust my deepest desires. Believing more than ever that freedom is possible.

I continue with the forever process of learning to live authentically, to have the courage to act with integrity and to make the gut-wrenchingly hard choices of acting in my own best interests, in accordance with my deepest beliefs- something that I fall short of everyday and yet am more in touch with than ever.

I want to remember that misery isn’t what my life is made of anymore, while at the same time being willing to explore the dark, scary, miserable parts of myself. Because ignoring them doesn’t make them go away—and owning them allows my life to be richer, more complete and more fulfilling.

Brené Brown says it beautifully in this passage from her book, The Gifts of Imperfection:

If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage
with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about things that get in the way-especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.

What I’m proposing is that we learn how to wade through it. We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp- where our worthiness waits for us- is much harder work than trudging across.

So here’s to walking across the swamp together and maybe having a mud fight or two along the way ☺

I got the results from my MRI last week, and the doc said my brain looked beautiful. So it doesn’t look like I have MS, which was really great news.

I was euphoric for a day until I realized I still felt bad. But feeling awful when you think it’s something that will pass is really different from feeling horrible because your brain is eating away at itself, knowing it will only get worse. Suddenly things felt much more manageable.

I really, really appreciate everyone’s sweet comments and concern. Overall, I’m doing better, but I still don’t know what’s going on. From all the testing I’ve had so far, it doesn’t look like anything serious. My symptoms seem to change everyday- all things that are difficult to describe and quantify- the numbness comes and goes. Sometimes I feel dizzy, nauseated and lightheaded, like I might pass out, and most of the time there’s just an undercurrent of yuck mixed with exhaustion. (I imagine this is how new mothers must feel!) I’m able to function and act pretty normal, but I don’t feel like myself.

I saw an integrative medicine doctor last week whose doing some more testing, and I’ve also been working with a Chiropractor and a wonderful physical therapist who specializes in a type of therapy called Feldenkrais.

I’m trying to live life as normal and avoid the wallowing. I get out and do stuff even if I don’t feel like it- hoping that if I keep doing normal, I’ll keep feeling better.

My diet right now is pretty amazing. I know more about nutrition than I ever have! Every morning I make a smoothie with 5-6 different colored organic fruits, kale or spinach, flax seed, macha green tea and Vitamin B complex. For lunch and dinner, I usually have a salad with a ton of roasted vegetables, pumpkin seeds and some grass fed beef, salmon or tuna. I take Vitamin D3, probiotics and DHA Omega 3 supplements, which is the deep marine algae that the fish eat, making them high in Omega 3’s. I try to go out in the sun for a few minutes every day, and I’ve cut way back on the amount of alcohol I drink. I’m not restricting myself if I want other foods or a drink, but for the most part, I love eating this way.

I’ve always had the tendency to figure things out on my own- to muscle my way through. But I’m so thankful that I haven’t had to do this alone. My family, friends, and Chris have been there without me asking and have supported me in so many ways during this process. From messages to cards to phone calls and flowers, I’ve felt like they’ve carried me. When I was worried about how this could affect me financially, my mom told me to not even let that thought enter my mind. She said, “there are two generations of people willing to help you if you need it. Focus all of your energy on getting better.” She gave me her oh-so expensive Vitamix so I can make superfood smoothies, she’s researched supplements and natural treatments, come to appointments with me, paid for chiropractor appointments.

My dad has called friends and co-workers to ask for their advice, paid for PT appointments. Chris has been there watching me cry and laugh- happy one minute, falling apart the next. My sister calls every day to check on me.

So thank you again for all your support and concern. It means the world to me, and I hope to be back to normal very soon!

I just re-read this excerpt of what I wrote the night before I got my results:

I’m getting the results from my MRI tomorrow – it’s been a long month of waiting. I’ve managed not to go crazy- although for moments I’ve felt incredibly weak and vulnerable- like a child who was scared to be left alone. I’ve found myself dreading the nights- knowing they would be long and sleepless.

But there’s been a lot of that inevitable clichéd good that comes from anything hard.

It’s been a humbling reminder of how important it is to meet myself and other people exactly where they are in their suffering. A reminder of how we never have all the answers. As soon as we think we do, life will quickly remind us that we don’t. And that I need to come back- to come back to now because that’s all we’ve got. I’d kind of been doing it half way. Scrolling facebook while I’m doing my relaxation exercises.

Suffering creates empathy and that empathy along with all that I’m learning about my own body will help me become a better postural therapist as I start working with people.

I’ve had a million questions along the way. Could it be the toxins in the construction materials from my building jobs, or all the crap I ate for a lot of years, an eating disorder in high school- a minor bout with pain killers in college- a tumultuous marriage and divorce, gaining and losing 60 pounds. Talking on my cell phone too much- breathing formaldehyde from the houses I’ve lived in. The GMO ingredients in my food- the fluoride in my water. All the alcohol I’ve drank over the last 5 years.

We live in a pretty toxic world. We pump chemicals into the ground where our food comes from and into the water that we drink. Our buildings are filled with toxins, while we rarely step outside to breathe fresh air.

MS is linked to low Vitamin D levels- if this is MS, could it have been as simple as spending 10 more minutes a day outdoors this past winter?

Who knows- I’ll never know. As much as I would like to.
I would gladly do whatever would make me better, and though I can try and make educated guesses, I’ll never know if I’m spending a lot of energy in vain while I’m missing something that’s important.

It’s frustrating and fascinating at the same time. The mystery of life is maddeningly beautiful.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. If the doctor tells me it’s not MS, I’ll breathe a huge sigh of relief and thank God for another chance to take care of myself. If it is, I’ll have good days and bad days. Days where it feels unfair. Days where it just feels like too much of an uphill battle. It will somewhat reinforce the belief I’ve struggled to escape from- which is one wrong move- or a few years of wrong moves can create irreversible consequences.

And other days, I’ll feel grateful for hope- grateful for all the love, support, and community that I’ve found through this. I know it will show me things I never knew about myself.

I know I’ve still got a lot of growing to do, like a friend of mine once said, “here’s another fucking growth opportunity!”

I think I’ve been hoping for a life that doesn’t feel quite so hard or quite so uphill. And if I have MS, it will be harder to imagine that life.

But I know that I will continue to work on creating a peaceful, meaningful existence for myself. And I will gently do the best that I can, which is really all we can ever do. (We just have to hope that our best doesn’t involve anything horribly hurtful or illegal ☺)